Hold My Hand As You Stay Awhile

If you read my last post, you will remember that I started to look at the Holy Spirit and tried to get a better picture of Him. My focus in that post was the Witness of the Holy Spirit, yet it wasn't a complete picture. Though I spent three weeks studying and writing, I could not give a full picture of the Spirit. Now, even if I spent a Lifetime writing, I'm sure that I couldn't give a truly complete picture of any part of God, let alone the Spirit. Even If I studied every verse in Scripture, I'm sure something would elude me. Yet, I will try to give a slightly better picture of this part of the Trinity.

Ephesians is a very good book of the Bible. Not that any one book of the Bible is better than another, but Ephesians, I have found, is a good book to look at the Christian Character. It is brief in respects to other Book, but it has very specific commands for the Christian, whither New or Old. It is in this book that we find the first bit of Scripture I would like to look at. Ephesians 4:3-13 states:

3 endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. 4 There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called in one hope of your calling; 5 one Lord, one faith, one baptism; 6 one God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, and in you all. 7 But to each one of us grace was given according to the measure of Christ's gift. 8 Therefore He says: "When He ascended on high, He led captivity captive, And gave gifts to men." 9 (Now this, "He ascended"--what does it mean but that He also first descended into the lower parts of the earth? 10 He who descended is also the One who ascended far above all the heavens, that He might fill all things.) 11 And He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers, 12 for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ, 13 till we all come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ;

What does that all mean? It can be confusing, but it need not be. The first several verses (Ephesians 4:3-6) establishes the Unity which is within the Spirit. The Spirit is our Peace, and the one Hope we have. Truly, we are United within One Body in One Baptism for One Lord. Note the repetition of One. Clearly, Paul is not trying to say that all Believers are the same person. Rather, he is showing us that, because of the Spirit, we are United as One. Verse 6 goes on to say we Serve the Father who is above all. Brothers and Sisters, this is a Glorious thing! Our God is above all, above everything that we could ever face! What an Awesome God we serve!

Now, what does the rest of the verses say? It's all well and good to know the Peace and Unity of of the Spirit and the Power of the Lord, but there is even more. Well, the verses further establish the Power of Christ's Salvation, but there is another important part that I do not what you to miss (I do not want you to miss Christ's Salvation either, yet that is not the focus of this post).

One thing that people might notice in this passage of Scripture is that Paul mentions gifts. What are these gifts? What is Paul talking about? Let us look at verses 11 and 12 for a moment.

11 And He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers, 12 for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ,

Paul is saying that God gave us each our own gifts for our own ministry on earth. Some may have been looking and looking for their ministry, yet they didn't realize that is was as simple as looking into themselves. I am not saying your ministry is yourself; I am saying your ministry is you. Let me explain. Your ministry is your life, your existence, your very being. People cry out for a ministry and wonder and wonder what it is. I can tell you from experience, we have the wrong idea, how we live and what we do with what God has given us is our ministry. God has hardwired us all differently for different jobs, as evidenced in this passage, but we are called to a Life of Ministry, to edify the Body of Christ.

I realize that what I just said is not very clear. Some could say that I am not correctly portraying Scripture. I would like to point to Romans 12:3-8, which exemplifies what I am saying.

3 For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith. 4 For as we have many members in one body, but all the members do not have the same function, 5 so we, being many, are one body in Christ, and individually members of one another. 6 Having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, let us prophesy in proportion to our faith; 7 or ministry, let us use it in our ministering; he who teaches, in teaching; 8 he who exhorts, in exhortation; he who gives, with liberality; he who leads, with diligence; he who shows mercy, with cheerfulness.

This passage points out that each has their own measure of faith. It warns that we should not think more highly of ourself than we ought, but to think soberly, or with a clear mind. That is, while I might be a teacher, and you might be a layman, that does not mean I am more than your in Christ, nor does it mean you are more than me. What God has given to us for our ministry is meant for our ministry, and whatever gifts He may haven given, so use in the measure of faith. That is not to say that just because you don't feel like Serving the Lord that you can just push it aside for that day. This means, as much as was given is how much should be returned. For, truly, any talent you may have is not from you, but from the Lord, and what is His should be used for Him.

I am not saying it is not hard. It will be. It calls for something more than yourself, but as J.F. Baldwin said, "It may be a truism to say that no one is perfect, but the redeemed Christian, by the power of the Holy Spirit, is called to perfection" (1).

We have started talking about something that is very important. As I have mentioned, we all have gifts from the Holy Spirit. I have said that you shouldn't think too highly of yourself, and that we are called to perfection. All of this has been centered around the Holy Spirit and the gifts of the Spirit. However, we haven't gotten into the meat of the issue. What are the gifts? Well, then we must look into the Scriptures to really understand. For this, I would like to point your attention to 1 Corinthians 12-14. (Ch. 12, 13, 14) I have linked these passages in the interest of space, but I encourage you to read them before continuing.

Now, not everyone has the same Spiritual Gifts. While I might have Discernment, another person might Speak in Tongues. As Paul says in Chapter 12, verses 4 through 6:

4 There are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit. 5 There are differences of ministries, but the same Lord. 6 And there are diversities of activities, but it is the same God who works all in all.

We are all called to our own works in the Spirit. Just like we are all different parts of the Body of Christ, we all have different functions. Yet, this doesn't matter because Paul goes on to say the manifestation of the Spirit is given to each for the profit of all (1 Corinthians 12:7). I would say, the mouth eats to nourish the body while the feet walk to move the body, yet both are important and benefit the whole.

What's even more wonderful is that these gifts are from God! As the Spirit is God and it is by the Spirit we receive our gifts (1 Corinthians 12:11). I rejoice in this fact. I know that what I do in the Lord will be worked out, for Jesus said all things are possible for God (Matthew 19:26, Mark 10:27, Mark 14:36, Luke 18:27) and that all things are possible for those who believe (Mark 9:23). With promises like that, I know I can do whatever the Lord has for me.

The rest of 1 Corinthians, Chapter 12 warns that no one should want to do what others do in the Spirit because they do not. Paul makes a very valid point. We are a Body of Believers, and, without parts, there would be no body. Likewise, body parts do not all do the same things, and the same is true with believers.

1 Corinthians 13 has to be one of my favorite chapters in the Bible. The whole point is that Love is the most important part of any Christian. Paul tells us that we would do anything and lack love, making whatever we've done without profit (1 Corinthians 13:3). Christ Himself said the first two Commandments, both which center on Love, are the Greatest of the Commandments and on which the Law and the Prophets hang (Matthew 22:35-40, Mark 12:29-33).

The characteristics of Love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) are characteristics all Christians should have. Love is long suffering (patient), kind, does not envy, is not proud (parading) or boastful (puffed up). Love is not rude, does not seek it's own, is not provoked, and does not think evil. Love turns the other cheek and does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in truth. Love endures and is hopeful. If any Believer needs a list of how he/she needs to be, this is it.

Chapter 14 of 1 Corinthians is an interesting chapter to read. I have actually had debate with people on the content of this chapter. I hope to clear up some misconceptions that people may have about what is actually being discussed here. I think it would be good to take this chapter at its words and not look for too much more than what is plainly said.

I love the first part of verse 1. Paul says here to "pursue love." What is being said? Chase after love, seek it out. To pursue is to be active. Actively chase after love. When I read that verse, I am filled with awe for the Author and Finisher of Our Faith. We know that God is Love, and we are told to pursue love. We are being told to pursue God!

Then Paul tells us to "desire spiritual gifts." Desire, for the most part is a passive term, which fits very well with what Paul already told us. The Holy Spirit gives gifts, and we need not look for what we do not have. What we are being told is to want spiritual gifts, not to look for the spiritual gifts of others.

Now we get to the the debatable part of the chapter. Isn't it sad that we haven't even finished verse one and debate already begins? I believe it is, but there are those who will speak out when they do not understand, and those who will speak when they understand falsely.

I want to make this clear, Paul is not saying prophesy more important than speaking in tongues. He is also not saying that we should not speak in tongues. If anyone tells you that he is making either claim, do not listen to them. What Paul says is that tongues are signs for unbelievers and prophesy is for believers. Yes, I am aware Paul says "he who prophesies is greater than he who speaks with tongues" (verse 5). However, he says in the same breath, "unless indeed he interprets." Paul said this because prophesy edifies, or builds up, the church (verse 4). Yet we find that with someone to interpret, speaking in tongues does the same thing (verse 5). You cannot take one verse and make it stand alone, because the Bible is the Whole Word of God, not the divided word.

The problem with tongues is when they come without meaning. I was once a part of a church that put a lot of stock into speaking in tongues. Unfortunately, many felt that you had to speak in tongues or you were not bathed in the Holy Spirit. I had many discussions about this with several members of the church about this and pointed this very chapter to them. This was all to no effect. Prophesy is great about it comes from the Spirit and can reveal much. Tongues, lest there is an interpretation, can confuse and cloud. Yet never does Paul say either is bad.

20 Brethren, do not be children in understanding; however, in malice be babes, but in understanding be mature.

Have you ever seen a baby be cruel? Have you seen a baby hate? Curse? I know I haven't, and I have worked in a child care center. In hatefulness, cruelty, and cursing, be like a baby. Don't do it. However, make every effort for understanding so that you may be mature. This is why I write and study, to be mature in my understanding and so that others may be mature in their's.

Paul goes on to speak on orderly worship. I have never seen a church do this. Yet, does that mean we shouldn't go to church? Of course not. However we do need to take all of this into account, especially if we use our gifts in church.

From here on, I will not speak on this chapter. I am not ready at this time to tackle the most debated issue in this part of Scripture. I do not think I am mature enough yet to speak on it. I know the words well, and I cannot tell you any more than what Paul said about women in church. I have no deep insight and do not know what to say but to say I do not know.

I hope this provided a better look at the gifts of the Spirit. I encourage you, reader, to study this for yourself and look for the love of God. Pursue love with all you have. It is a many and wondrous thing to serve God the Father, to be redeemed in Christ Jesus, and to be comforted by the Spirit.

1. Baldwin, Jeff F. The Twelve Trademarks of Great Literature. Oregon City, OR: Fishermen Press, 2002

Whisper Softly Please

I've been Saved for a few good years now. I do not know where I am in my walk with the Lord. All I really know is that I am closer to Him than I was when I began my walk with Him. I know that my understanding of Truth is much greater than it was Four Years ago, last December. It's funny how that seems like such a long time. I guess it's because so much has happened since then, but that is really the point of this post.

The point of this post is to look into the nature of the third part of God. The Lord Himself has a lot of air time in our thoughts, as does Jesus Christ. However, why is it that we don't talk about the Holy Spirit as much? This has always baffled me. I remember when I was a small child, going to one of the many churches my mother dragged me to. Not that she ever really understood the importance of church (but I do hope and pray that one day she'll come to know Jesus). I remember some talk of the Holy Spirit, but I remember this talk was mainly in the prayers people gave. What is this Holy Spirit? In my quest for knowledge, I had to know more. When it comes to Truth, the best place to turn is the Bible. So, let's go there and look into the nature of the Holy Spirit. Let's see more about this part of God that's just simply not sought after.

I guess we should start off by asking the fundamental question, "What is the Holy Spirit?" Jesus called the Holy Spirit a Helper and the Spirit of Truth (John 14:16-17). Jesus also claimed the Holy Spirit was a Teacher and a Giver of Words (Luke 12:11-12). Paul describes the Spirit as a Unifier, a Source of Spiritual Profit for All (1 Corinthians 12:4-7), and as a Guarantee of God's Love and Protection (2 Corinthians 5:1-6). John tells us that the Spirit is the Manifestation of Christ in Us (1 John 3:24 & 1 John 4:13) and a Light for Every Man (John 1:7-9). Luke, Christ, Paul, Peter, and John all agree that the Spirit is a Witness for Christ's Sacrifice and New Covenant With Us (John 15:7, Acts 50:32, Roman 8:16, Hebrews 10:15, & 1 John 56-7).

The Bible paints a pretty clear picture of Something that seemed so vague before. Yet, we see so little of this Helper, this Spirit of Truth? Why is it that we don't look at the Manifestation of Christ within us? I think this Subject deserves more of a look.

Now, to do a truly detailed study of what the Holy Spirit actually is would take a book and not a blog post. Yet I am not a book writer as of yet, so blogging is what I know. While I believe that the Holy Spirit is shaping me to becoming a writer some day (Lord Willing), now I am learning the craft the Lord has revealed to me and I am walking in Faith with Him. It's because of this that I am writing this in hopes of better understanding His Third Part.

Now, I am going to step away from the Bible for just a moment to address an issue that comes up for many Christians. That is explaining how it is we claim to serve One True God, yet talk about the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Well, from my understanding, the Trinity can be expressed in a simple manner. In modern Psychology has started to do research on prayer and it's effects on sick people in hospitals. This branch of Psychology excepts the existence of the soul into modern understanding of Psychology. So, by this understanding of Psychology, we see that the Human creature can be looked at as a Mind, a Body, and a Soul. For God, the Father is the Mind, Jesus is the Body, the Holy Spirit is the Soul. I hope this helps with some people explain some of why God is One True God.

Now, I will go back into Scripture. While writing and studying, I consult sources outside myself to help better my understanding of Truths. To this effect, I spoke to others about this blog post as I began to write it. One question kept coming up, "Does the Holy Spirit have a gender?" That is, is the Holy Spirit a He or an It? Well, John 14:16-17 can answer that question for us quite simply.

16 And I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever-- 17 the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him; but you know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you.

If you remember, I referenced John 14:16-17 in my original list as to what the Holy Spirit is. In these verses, Christ said He was sending the Holy Spirit as a Helper and He (the Holy Spirit) will Dwell with us and in us. (That is something very important to note for many reasons, but I will not address them all as of right now.)

Now that the question of Person/Gender is out of the way, I would like to look at another aspect of the Holy Spirit and His Existence here.

If you remember, I called the Holy Spirit a Witness. The question we must look at is, what does that mean? He is a Witness? What does that mean? Those who are not prepared to see a Deep Spiritual Truth should stop reading now, for we are about to step into the Realm of Biblical Truth.

John 15 is an excellent Chapter to prove what Christ meant by a Witness. I will only link the Chapter for interest of space, but it should be read before continuing.

The True Vine (Jesus; John 15:1) makes an very important point throughout this Chapter. Jesus speaks of bearing Fruits, which those who do not will be taken away, but those that bear fruit will be pruned (John 15:1). Now pruning would be the trails that we as Christians go through to shape our faith, ministry, and self. However, there is something else here. Those who do not bear fruit will be taken away. Does this mean that you can lose your Salvation in Christ? John 4:14 is very clear about that.

14 "but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life."

So, here's Christ saying that His Salvation is Eternal and Everlasting. That seems very clear to me. So, why would Christ say anything about those who don't bear fruit? He said before this that Salvation is Eternal, so what is Christ saying here? If you have made it this far and suddenly find yourself not ready for a Deep Spiritual Truth, now is the time to stop reading and come back when you are ready. If you are ready, please continue with me.

John 15:26 says: "But when the Helper comes, whom I shall send to you from the Father, the Spirit of truth who proceeds from the Father, He will testify of Me." Well, we know that the other branches cannot be other Christians, so we need to look at some other possibility. A question that is posed is how is it that some are Saved while others are not? Scripture makes it very clear that no one come to the Father except through Christ (John 14:6). How is this possible? Christ has gone back into Heaven until His Second Coming, so how can we come to Christ and enter into the Lord's Salvation? Well, we need a Witness that is somehow also God. We need Him so that we might be Saved. So, there is only one possibility, the Holy Spirit. When Christ said, "And you also will bear witness, because you have been with Me from the beginning (John 15:27)," He did not mean that you and I were with Him in the beginning, not literally. Not would mean we began as Heavenly Creatures and does not follow what the rest of the Bible says about Sinful Man. So, what can it mean? I tell you that it means the Holy Spirit comes to us and gives us the Truth of Christ, and if we accept that Truth, we bear witness to that Truth.

Yes, I said if. I did dare to strike the keys on my keyboard to type out "if we accept that Truth." I say this because of the many references in Scripture that say that Christ's Gift of Salvation is offered to all Mankind that some will reject. The Holy Spirit is Jesus giving Light to Every Man. John 1:9 is very clear. If this isn't apparent to you, read it for yourself.

That was the true Light which gives light to every man coming into the world.

Yes, Christ's Gift is offered to every man. You really can't get much clearer than this, but many are those who would add to the Truth, and therefore twist the Word of God. I will not get into this here, however. I wish to write about the Holy Spirit and I shall.

John 1:9 makes it very clear that every Man will have have access to the Holy Spirit. Those who have Him have Witness of Christ. Through Christ, Man can come to the Father and thereby receive Salvation. Isn't it amazing how Scripture can give light to Scripture? I tell you, this is what is meant by Christ when He said the Spirit is the Spirit of Truth! I would say to all who read this to always seek out the Truth, for it is written, "ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened (Matthew 7:7-8)."

Paul tells us in 1 Thessalonians 5:19-22:

19 Do not quench the Spirit. 20 Do not despise prophecies. 21 Test all things; hold fast what is good. 22 Abstain from every form of evil.

That is to say, if the Holy Spirit leads you, follow. What He tells you, do. Do not despise the Truth given to you, for the Holy Spirit is the Spirit of Truth. Question everything so that you might find what is right and good. Do what is good. Do not do what is evil. We know this to be true from the Scripture. Listen to the Spirit, always and forever. The Unifier will not lead you astray. No Man should say, "God is tempting me," for God does not tempt (James 1:13). I say this to be an assurance to everyone who rightly discerns the Truth and follows after God. As the Holy Spirit is also God, what is True of the Father is True of the Spirit.

I hope this post has been of some help to someone. As I said, to do a truly in-dept study of the Holy Spirit would require a whole book on the subject. What I have proved here is more of an overview of the Subject. I focused on the Witness of the Holy Spirit because it seemed best. It is by the Witness of Christ that we might be saved.

New Dog, Same New Tricks, Or Something Like That

What a Glorious God I serve! It amazes me how spending time with my Father can be so fulfilling! I love to Serve a Lord who can take anything and make it for good. Can I get an Amen?

The other night I went for a run after Bible Study. It went on this run because I could feel the Lord telling me I needed to talk with Him and we needed to have a few things said. I am so glad I went on that run. I geared up for the run and set out with my iPod playing. I was wondering on something that came up in Bible Study.

Signs. I don't get those. God, in His will, doesn't give me signs about what He's said He'll do for me. I get plenty of them after He has done something, but not before. Now, God is not bound at all to give us signs of anything. He does not have to give you a sign that such-and-such is the person you're going to marry. He does not have to gives signs to tell you that you are to do this or that.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have gotten signs of God's will for my life before. Like what I going to school for, God gave me many signs that I should be a teacher, I just ignored them for a while.

It was beautiful though. God and me had a great conversation about that I don't need signs for things. Isn't it wonderful how we're all different? Some of us need signs all the time, yet some of us need them once in a great while. It's so awesome that we serve a God that knows us better than we know ourselves.

Also, God has shown me how much I have in writing. I love to write and some claim I have talent in that (Novel anyone?). Furthermore, it is in my writing that I best express myself. I have loved writing since I learned to do it at school. God has really given me a passion to write and apparently some talent in that. I love it so much.

The run was simply beautiful. Words fail to describe my spiritual high that night. I remember listening to Disciple at one point. Their song "Dive" is on my running tracks. The chorus is based off Isaiah 40:31.

But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

I was reminded of this Scripture. I quoted it slightly out of order during my run, but I knew what was being said. The chorus is " I'll run and not grow weak/Walk and will not faint/Climb the highest mountain to dive off/And I'll fly high on broken wings." It is a powerful song. It really gets me pumped every time.

My run was so recharging. I was tired after I finished, but I was so happy. I ran like I haven't in some time and It was great. It was funny how Satan tried the next day to put me in a foul mood. He tried to fight me with my contacts, with my sleep, even my plans for the evening. Yet he failed about I know something he keeps forgetting. The Lord is my strength and my refuge.

I Can See Clearly Now the Blur is Gone

This morning I woke up with The most Painful Migraine I have had in some time. It seriously felt like I had a drill going through my skull while my head was on fire! Plus, I could barely see out of my right eye. I was in so much pain, I decided that I just really didn't feel like braving my way to General Psychology and listening to Dr. Kemp drone on about things I already know and his experiences in graduate school. (Seriously, when am I ever going to use someone else's graduate stories in real life?) Well, I woke up an hour later, in even worse pain than I was in when I originally woke up. While I could see clearly, my stomach now felt like some big body-builder was punching me repeatedly in the stomach. Plus, light hurt my eyes so much! (Trust me, photo-sensitivity, sensitivity to light, is a painful, painful thing.)

I was glad at the time I was experiencing mild to no audio-sensitivity (sound = pain). I was equally glad that my next class was Experiencing Music, which is in a dimly lit room. Well, I was glad, all the way up until I tried actually walking to class. That's when the dizziness set in. Walking to class while the whole world spun around me. It wasn't fun. I felt even more like I wanted to throw up. Any way, I'm sitting in class, feeling like death, when my photo-sensitivity decides I need to be hurt by sound now, right as we start listening to Operas! I mean, opera hurts enough on its own, but when you add audio-sensitivity into the mix, that's an all new kind of pain.

After class, I drag myself back to my dorm room. I know that it is lunch time, but the apple I grabbed on my way to Experiencing Music had been unappealing and tasted terrible. I had no appetite, but I knew I had to eat something. So, I walk into the cafeteria, looking at all the food there. I really don't like the food there, but I have a meal plan that lets me eat there unlimited every time it's open, so I almost always eat there. Nothing sounded or looked good to me. Nothing was appealing. Normally I can find something or throw a quick dish together using odds and ends from the food available there. Yet I couldn't today. After a lot of self-motivating, I finally forced myself to choke down some spaghetti with some tomato sauce.

Then, I head off to Modern American Literature to take my test. With a migraine. A test I have not studied for, with my head feeling like it was splitting in two, despite taking some Excedrin for the pain. Fortunately for me, I knew most of the test and could easily pick out 8 of 12 items to identify (which was the idea of the test) with only one author forgotten. Not too bad if I say so myself.

This is where my day starts to get better. I get a call from Wal-Mart letting me know my new glasses are in, and it was only Wednesday that I had my eye exam. I picked up my glasses and got my trial pair of contacts in (it took me and hour and a half to get them in both eyes, one out and back in again, but it was worth it!). My migraine had subsided or been dulled enough that I had an appetite again, so a ate a healthy (in portion) dinner. Then, lo and behold, I'm practicing on my guitar and I finally was able to play three chords in succession without any pauses! (Lily, I'm still not 100% sure in what book I read Jasmine Lily, but I like my guitar's name!) I was so excited, especially since I had once played two chords in succession and could never do it again. Well, I kept at it, and have now played four chords in succession! I think I finally got past the little stump in my practicing. Soon, I will hopefully be able to play the song I am learning!

It's funny how our days are. We have bad days, yet we still have an Awesome God who can give us little bits of joy, even when we're having bad days. Today, I enjoyed four hours of sight without the aid of glasses, tomorrow will find me able to use my trial contacts for a full six hours. Tonight, I had some pancakes at an event we had in my building and was able to play some ping-pong, at which I am happy to say I am slowly improving. Our God is an Awesome God and I am glad to serve Him, even on migraine days.

"Well, You Don't Have to Be Sarcastic About It."

Everyone who knows me knows I'm sarcastic. That's what you get when you deal with me. Yet, I'm not trying to to be mean with it. I can come across as mean, but most people realize that it just how I am. I am sarcastic. However, it's been worse lately, and I'm not sure why.

I suppose I'm sarcastic for any number of reasons. I come from a sarcastic family. I am somewhat cynical. I have a level of intelligence. A lot of my friends are sarcastic. It's just how it is. I try not to be mean, and I do what I can to discern when not to be sarcastic. However, despite all this, my sarcasm has gotten worse lately.

My comment and replies are constantly sarcastic anymore. I find myself saying things that simply don't need to be said that way. Is it the stress of looking for a job? I hope not. I've been under a lot more stress than my current condition and my sarcasm has been in check. Is it some change in my life? Well, I'd understand if my life wasn't at it's normal state of confusion. Am I afraid of something? I've racked my brain and I can't think of one thing that's scaring me enough to make me react in fear. I've been casting my doubts on the Lord and His has answered my prayers, as He always does. That's when I touch on something. Have I drifted from my Father?

I'm stubborn with a capital S-T-U-B-B-O-R-N. I wouldn't take too much offensive to being called "bull-headed." I am stubborn and I know it. The Lord uses that stubbornness and breaks it down all the same. What I mean is, He takes my stubborn self and makes me diligent, which is the positive side of stubborn. Then He takes my unwillingness to do some things and my standing on the wrong things and breaks it all down. I become more diligent than stubborn, but I'm still very stubborn.

I wonder if that stubbornness is rearing it's ugly head again. Am I refusing to do something and I'm reacting with sarcasm? Or is there some secret fear that I'm too stubborn to admit? It's not hidden from the Lord, but my own stubborn stupidity (for that's what stubbornness usually is) won't let me give it up. The old, dead flesh is still clinging on to the Renewed Soul. This fights weapon, sarcasm. However, it might just be I'm overly sarcastic and I'm just too cynical and I need to get that in check. Only time with the Lord will tell.

Talent for the Talentless

This Sunday I was faced with myself yet again. I had one of those moments where I had to hold onto my Father's Hand and just cry. I felt so broken and so worn down, so useless. It was something so pointless and stupid, but it had such deep meaning that I see now I needed to go through another moment of feeling faint.

The Lord has placed some talented people in my life. My friends have many talents that I find impressive and I love how they use them. One of my friends has been blessed with a wonderful talent for singing and guitar playing. When she's not doubting herself, she plays some of most beautiful music. I also have a friend you has a talent for just being there for you when you need him. It's like he always knows when it's time "to go for a walk." I think some of our greatest bonding times have been on walks. I have so many more examples, yet that is not the point of this post. I felt as if I had none. No talents to my name. I felt like I was worthless and had no value to anyone or anything. My friends noticed I was visibly upset and asked what was wrong. I couldn't tell them and have it out in front of everyone. No, it was my shame. This was all before the sermon started in church. It was a good sermon on the Marriage Covenant, yet it was not the message the Lord had for me that day. (The following is an approximation of the conversation my soul had with the Lord.)

"Why have you made me this way?" I asked desperately as the sermon began.
"In what way is that?" I felt the Lord reply.
"So talentless, so useless..." was all I could say.
"But you write so beautifully, and your passion for teaching is great. Have I not given you these things and more?"
That took me aback for a bit. "Yes..." I replied reluctantly.
"Then how can you say I have made you talentless?" asked the Lord.
"I...I can't do anything for You though," I said, almost hurt.
"My son, why do you say that? You can teach for me, learn for me, talk for me, walk, love, write, play, pray, and so much more. Have I not blessed you with the ability to bring cheer to those without it? Have I not given you comedy? Selflessness? Honesty? Was it not I who gave everything you have?"
"Lord, it is as you say. But what can I really do for You? Am I to write? To teach? Talk? What is my ministry? What are my talents?" I asked, wondering if I was wrong for this.
"My child," came the Lord's reply, "you know more than you want to admit. What are you doing?"
I wasn't sure what this meant at first, then I realized, "Lord, I'm going to teach, dance, sing, love, cry, just overall live, and that's what I'm learning to do now."
"Now go to the Alter," was the Lord's response.
"But, what if they don't have an alter call? What then?" I asked, stupidly.
"Not that alter. My Alter."

Some people may read this and say, "Shame on you, you should have been paying attention to the pastor!" My response to those of you who say that, "Shame on you for valuing the words of a man, though they be from the Lord, over the Words of the Lord Himself." I'd trade a thousand days in a Bible believing church for one day to listen just to the Lord's very Voice. As such, I also heard the message, but it's one I well know. I have studied marriage very closely in the Biblical context, and I know a lot of what it says. Do I know it all? I doubt it, but the Lord had something for me that day and I'm glad for it.

I do not write this to condemn anyone or any church. If you go to church and don't have a "Soul to Spirit" conversation; that's fine. If you have one of these every day; good for you. If it's once and a while; that's how it is. I write this as encouragement. The Lord answers prayers and He cares about where you're at. He wants you to get from where you're at to where He wants you to be. I'd much rather be there than here, and I hope you do too.

Running Like The Devil's Chasing Me

I'm often reminded of how complex the human mind can be. There are times that we can't understand what's bothering us. That is to say, we know some thing's on our mind, but it's buried so deep, we can't figure out what it is. Sometimes, however, it's so deep that we're not even aware that it's an issue until it surfaces somehow.

I do some of my best thinking when I run. I remember when it became too hectic for me to handle at home, which it would from time to time, I would go for a walk. My walks would later become jogs. The jogs in turn became runs. Sometimes I left to clear my head and think over what was happening. Other times I would leave to calm down. I found running became the best method for this. Not only did it calm me down faster, but it helped me to think faster because of the increased use of my brain due to the running. I found myself ready to return to situation and try and solve it as best I could. Because of this, running became my escape in many ways. I could simply disappear from somewhere and reappear with a more calm, clear mind. Also, it allowed me to just get away from people, for there are times that I simply want my space. There were even times that I couldn't just simply leave and go run, so I would wait until late at night, when everyone else was asleep, and run. Sometimes, I ran just to feel free.

It was because of my running that I realized something, I'm still mad at my dad. When my family first abandoned me, I had a favorite song. "Which to Bury, Us or the Hatchet" by Relient K. I listened to it as thought about what had happened. I didn't and still don't hate my dad, but I was mad at him for so long, I couldn't stand the thought of him at times. Imagine how much more painful it was to find I was like him! It was like venom in my mouth, and I was angry with myself! I spent so much time trying to reinvent myself. I changed my looks, how I walked, how I talked, everything. Yet, somehow, I was still my father's son. I could never escape that, no matter how much I wanted to.

Then, suddenly, I found myself freed of this. So what if I am my father son? I am also my Heavenly Father's son. I only have to do what I am called to do and I will become who I will be. That's not so bad, is it? So what if my father was used to be part of the mold that is me? I will be made a new man as Scripture says, so I need not worry.

Yet, then I went for a run. I had my iPod playing my running tracks mix just as I have many times before, when it came on. The song. If you never heard it, the chorus is a little something like, "No I don't hate, don't wanna fight you, know I'll always love you but right now I just don't like you, 'cause you took this too far." That's went I realized, I was still mad at my dad. However, I was able to run it out for now. That's such a great feeling, running your problems down so you can deal with them.

Late Night Wanderings....or....In the Still of the Night I Find You

It was one o' clock in the morning. In my hand was a steaming cup of Supreme Cinnamon Nutmeg Hot Chocolate (that is 7 Eleven's "Supreme" Hot Chocolate with cinnamon and nutmeg added in). I was walking to avoid coming back to my mom's apartment for my brothers were watching "adult" shows and I wanted no part. I felt kind of cold, for indeed, it was cold outside. I made the trip to the 7 Eleven and with spoils in hand, I walked on. I headed to this small church that was just within walking distance of the apartments. My plan was to go there in the morning, but I did not know my brothers would be up until 4:00 am watching t.v. So I didn't get to go to church yet again, but the experience I had was simply amazing.

It's funny how you find walking alone in the still of the night that you can come close to the Lord. I've had problems being with my family, for they, no matter how much I plead with them, refuse to look towards God. I thought I was supposed to be here to be a witness for them, be here to help them with coming to know the Lord. Truly, I am here to be a witness, but no more than I supposed to be a witness to my fellow man. The conversation of my soul with my God was enlightening.

"Lord, why am I here?" was the question that pressed me. I try and try, but only face opposition from these people that are called my family. I am attacked and assailed constantly and see no fruit for all my labors. The Lord reminded me of something last night. He is in control and He has a plan. I need to stop looking for the "fruits" of my labor, for that is not mine to keep track of. It is not mine to boast in. All my fruits are not even mine in the end, they are the Lord's. So what am I doing here? What is the plan?

"Remember who you are," commanded Mufasa in the Lion King. I loved that film, still do. In other words, remember where you came from so that you can do what must be done. I think this is the Lord's main purpose for me. I feel that the Lord wants me to remember what He has delivered from. He wants me to remember that I was once debase and immoral, and that I still have a long way to go. I am saved, not because I deserve it, but because He loved me enough to die for me. I am glad to know Him.

Ye Ode Finals Week, Thou Art Mine Enemy And Mine Bane

“Ode to Finals Week”

This full week of final tests
Has everyone feeling stressed
With thy headaches of woe
Cramming all the things we “know”
With ye scantron sheet and study notes
Tears proving that “hope floats”

Curse ye all wasted days
Finding that studying pays
For thou essay haunth mine sleep
And thou grades causeth me to weep
Mayhap there be some relief
In the break called four weeks of sleep

Yet thy righteous cramming sessions
Do not make up for all the wasted lessons
We fear thy No. 2 pencil demons
Though it does not stand to reason
That we should, in these days be crying
Wondering if it is worth trying

Hark! and fear not
Study with all thou got
Though thy face thine professors testful wrath
Thy hard work and coffee will see ye passed
‘Tis not for naught thou now ventures forth
Thy will test to prove thy worth

For more on the battlefield known as "Finals Week," check out:

Tazerguns and Water Balloons

A blog written and maintained by a couple of my buddies.

That's When It All Fell Apart, When All The Pieces Fit...

I'm not really sure why, but it seems to me that things are never quite so simple as finding the right answer. Sure, you've taken the time to do the footwork, but it all seems so complicated. For instance, friendships. We all know that to be a good friend, we need to be there for our buddies, but that differs for each person! I think (and as a future teacher, this must be blasphemy) that school does not prepare us for the right answer not being enough. For, in school, all you need is the right answer, but there are so many variables in real life!

This rant was brought to you by sugar, caffeine, lack of sleep, and illness. All rights reserved. Void where prohibited. Not valid with any offer. Tastes similar to that smell rain makes. I like to dance and sing, but my real dream is to leave this one horse trick pony. Tacos.

So That's Why You Smell Like Chicken Noodle Soup?

Well, I've made my usual mistake again. I started thinking before bed. It's really a bad habit of mine. I seem to think best before I crawl under the covers and drift off to never-never land. Well, I think that might have something to do with the stress of the day being over. Sure, there's tomorrow to stress about, but that's tomorrow and it isn't a sure thing any way. The Good Lord (And He is good.) could call me home at any time. It's just easier to be sure of your thoughts during the night sometimes.

Now, I don't want to bore the reader with my rant about thinking at night any more, so I shall be silent on that. I would like to get into this post, for that is the reason anyone might read this. I've been thinking the past few nights about the nature of relationships. When you look at them, they are actually pretty well organized for something that can seem so random. (And if you know me, you understand random to some extent.)

Relationships. They can only go as far as both parties are equally willing to go. That's something I've said many times before, and any person that has had a rough patch in their relationship with me has heard me say it. This is why. You cannot force yourself on anyone, not truly. If you say, "That person forced this relationship on me," that is untrue. As a matter of fact, I say that you wanted this relationship to some extent.

However, I cannot continue talking about the impossibility of forcing a relationship if I do not clearly establish a definition for "relationship." So, here it goes. A relationship is an level of shared experience and time with someone. That is to say, a relationship is when time and emotion is invested to some degree. When you meet someone on the street and then never speak to that person again, that is not a relationship. Also, when you have that annoying co-worker (or classmate or what have you) that you speak to just enough to get back without any investment in that person, that is not a relationship. Now, when you put time and emotion into another person, even to a small degree, that is a relationship.

So, now we're talking about something we have a definition for, yet, we haven't gotten to the meat of the issue. Relationships as they stand between people. Well, let's look at an example. Many of my guy friends have noticed that certain people in their list of friends of the opposite gender are attractive, as have some of my friends of the fairer sex. Both groups most likely would like to pursue something deeper than the current relationship level experienced between them and the member of the opposite sex. The problem? Their "interests" just want to be friends, albeit close friends. So, naturally, my friends are not currently dating.

As we see, because one of the parties involved did not want to start dating, the friends have remained friends. Another example of this is a more personal one. I had a romantic interest in one of my close friends since about three months into the relationship. I ran Cross Country with her and visited her church on and again. Yet she saw me as more of a brother figure than a possible boyfriend. So, in the course of me trying to woo her, she rejected me. (More than once I might add.) Now, for reasons unknown to me (I have long since ended the attempts at "wooing" her.), I am no longer speaking to that friend. I have kept lines open, but she seems to feel that the relationship does not have any venture to continue. So, the friendship is apparently over and I cannot say we are friends for it does not seem that is her interest. She is not willing to go as far in the relationship as I am, so the relationship stops where it is most equally wanted. (Which it seems that unfortunately that point is "not at all.")

Now, for a more positive example. I met a girl when I first started high school, some six years ago. I had taken some notice of her, and her of me, but we had not approached each other yet. So, at the time, we had willingly reached a point of friendship together. Then, through a series of events, I had the pleasure of going on a date with this young woman. Our feelings for each other were discovered and we agreed to "date." In other words, we were both willing to go as far in our relationship to only date the other and undergo the activities of a dating couple. (I'm sorry for the "academic approach" here, but it's the only way I can make my point.) Now, due to reasons on her end, she ended up no longer willing to "date" me, and the relationship reverted back to "friendship." Today, the two of us have discussed the possibility of trying to date again. We agreed that we are not meant for each other and have enjoyed a level of close friendship since. That is where we are both willing to go.

If you are not completely sick of reading this by now, allow me to finish here. Relationships can only go as far as both parties are equally willing to go. That's how it works people. So you need to take responsibility for your relationships and realize something: you are where you are in the relationship because you let yourself get there. Maybe you should have said no somewhere, maybe it was a yes at a certain time. The fact remains, you are responsible for your relationships. Take responsibility.

Like Hot Chocolate on a Cold Winter's Day, I'm Missing You...

I'm starting to realize that my past and my future are two things I'll never figure out. I remember that just over three years ago, I thought I would be going to school at a technical college, learning to be an IT professional. Then, a year later, I was so sure I was going to Evangel in Springfield to be a youth minister. Now, I'm going to the University of Central Missouri to become a high school English teacher. What happened? Where did all my plans go? Why did they keep changing? I remember that in my plans, I had also already met the love of my life and we were dating happily. Currently, I'm a single college student with no romantic interests and a part-time job that I literally live paycheck to paycheck. Not exactly what I had all planned out in my mind.

It's funny, but what changed all this time was me. I should have known that teaching was in my future. Just about every teacher I had since the third grade told me I should be a teacher. I was always the kid who, during in-class homework time, explained to the ones who just didn't understand how to do the assignment. I remember having dozens of teachers sit back and watch me patiently explain to one, two, three, up to six other students what it was they missed. I remember being told I should be a teacher, and I always had the same response, "I don't want to be a teacher, I'm not patient enough for it." However, I was blind to what was there. I was patient enough. I know that in many areas of my life, patience is something I could benefit from. Yet, set me off to teach and I'll spend all day if that's what it takes. I didn't realize this was true at first, then other time I started to see what all those teachers where talking about.

Now, it's more of one of those things where God is speaking to you and telling you what He wants for your life. I couldn't see the "forest through the trees," so to speak. He had placed in my life so many opportunities to teach, and a took on so many of them. Yet, I never saw what I was really doing. So, in His divine knowledge, He sets it up so I have one of those "the light finally came on moments." God has to do that to us sometimes. I know He did for me. Any way, He placed such an interest for writing in me that I knew, when it was said and done that I wanted to go to school for English. (At the time, I was already accepted at Evangel. However, thanks to the family God had placed into my life, I was able to see that there was no way I could honestly afford that school, nor was it practical for me to go to school there. Because of their love and care for me, I was able to apply to Central Missouri State University, now the University of Central Missouri.) So, I went for a tour of the UCM campus and met with one of the professors of the English department and told him my plan. I was going to write books. He said that was a good plan, but asked if I ever considered teaching. It was presented more as if I hadn't thought about how I would support myself while I was writing "America's next great novel," but the point hit me. I realized something. I could claim and claim that teaching isn't for me, but when you get down to it, I love teaching. I absolutely love teaching. I am not the most patient person, as I've already said. However, I am so patient with people when it comes to teaching them, and my teachers could see that. Now, because there were people who cared enough about me to help me and guide me, I am well on my way to a profession I love. Only God could make something like that happen. It all fell together too well to be mere chance.

That Funky After-Taste, Kinda Like Cherry Pie...

After studying literature for several hours, I realize something, my brain has become a resource of facts, deeply encoded in a code which even I need time to understand. Yet, it happens. I was talking a test in my World Masterpieces class today when I realized, I couldn't recall everything on the test! I panicked for a moment, then stopped to clear my mind. This didn't help me, and I still didn't know over half the test. So, I decided to finish what I knew, then come back to the unknowns. To my amazement, the facts returned and my test neared completion. However, after all this work, one question eluded me. This question separated me from the completion of the answers portion of the test. I had even finished the extra credit questions. So, I moved on to the essay. I choose a simple question on the essay, and explained it as best I could, yet still only turned out a single page for my essay. I hoped my smallish hand writing was to blame and that I had more on the page than I thought I did. So, with 5 minutes to finish the test, I racked my brain for the answer to the last question. Then it hit me. The answer became so clear, so simple. I couldn't believe I hadn't remembered it earlier. I promptly scribbled down my answer and turned it my test. Only two other people were left finishing their test. I left feeling a sensation of satisfaction and a job well done. Only time will tell if my little test misadventure was all for not. Considering that my whole grade is based on 3 or 4 tests in that class, I hope I did well...