It was one o' clock in the morning. In my hand was a steaming cup of Supreme Cinnamon Nutmeg Hot Chocolate (that is 7 Eleven's "Supreme" Hot Chocolate with cinnamon and nutmeg added in). I was walking to avoid coming back to my mom's apartment for my brothers were watching "adult" shows and I wanted no part. I felt kind of cold, for indeed, it was cold outside. I made the trip to the 7 Eleven and with spoils in hand, I walked on. I headed to this small church that was just within walking distance of the apartments. My plan was to go there in the morning, but I did not know my brothers would be up until 4:00 am watching t.v. So I didn't get to go to church yet again, but the experience I had was simply amazing.
It's funny how you find walking alone in the still of the night that you can come close to the Lord. I've had problems being with my family, for they, no matter how much I plead with them, refuse to look towards God. I thought I was supposed to be here to be a witness for them, be here to help them with coming to know the Lord. Truly, I am here to be a witness, but no more than I supposed to be a witness to my fellow man. The conversation of my soul with my God was enlightening.
"Lord, why am I here?" was the question that pressed me. I try and try, but only face opposition from these people that are called my family. I am attacked and assailed constantly and see no fruit for all my labors. The Lord reminded me of something last night. He is in control and He has a plan. I need to stop looking for the "fruits" of my labor, for that is not mine to keep track of. It is not mine to boast in. All my fruits are not even mine in the end, they are the Lord's. So what am I doing here? What is the plan?
"Remember who you are," commanded Mufasa in the Lion King. I loved that film, still do. In other words, remember where you came from so that you can do what must be done. I think this is the Lord's main purpose for me. I feel that the Lord wants me to remember what He has delivered from. He wants me to remember that I was once debase and immoral, and that I still have a long way to go. I am saved, not because I deserve it, but because He loved me enough to die for me. I am glad to know Him.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Ye Ode Finals Week, Thou Art Mine Enemy And Mine Bane
“Ode to Finals Week”
This full week of final tests
Has everyone feeling stressed
With thy headaches of woe
Cramming all the things we “know”
With ye scantron sheet and study notes
Tears proving that “hope floats”
Curse ye all wasted days
Finding that studying pays
For thou essay haunth mine sleep
And thou grades causeth me to weep
Mayhap there be some relief
In the break called four weeks of sleep
Yet thy righteous cramming sessions
Do not make up for all the wasted lessons
We fear thy No. 2 pencil demons
Though it does not stand to reason
That we should, in these days be crying
Wondering if it is worth trying
Study with all thou got
Though thy face thine professors testful wrath
Thy hard work and coffee will see ye passed
‘Tis not for naught thou now ventures forth
Thy will test to prove thy worth
For more on the battlefield known as "Finals Week," check out:
A blog written and maintained by a couple of my buddies.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
That's When It All Fell Apart, When All The Pieces Fit...
I'm not really sure why, but it seems to me that things are never quite so simple as finding the right answer. Sure, you've taken the time to do the footwork, but it all seems so complicated. For instance, friendships. We all know that to be a good friend, we need to be there for our buddies, but that differs for each person! I think (and as a future teacher, this must be blasphemy) that school does not prepare us for the right answer not being enough. For, in school, all you need is the right answer, but there are so many variables in real life!
This rant was brought to you by sugar, caffeine, lack of sleep, and illness. All rights reserved. Void where prohibited. Not valid with any offer. Tastes similar to that smell rain makes. I like to dance and sing, but my real dream is to leave this one horse trick pony. Tacos.
This rant was brought to you by sugar, caffeine, lack of sleep, and illness. All rights reserved. Void where prohibited. Not valid with any offer. Tastes similar to that smell rain makes. I like to dance and sing, but my real dream is to leave this one horse trick pony. Tacos.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
So That's Why You Smell Like Chicken Noodle Soup?
Well, I've made my usual mistake again. I started thinking before bed. It's really a bad habit of mine. I seem to think best before I crawl under the covers and drift off to never-never land. Well, I think that might have something to do with the stress of the day being over. Sure, there's tomorrow to stress about, but that's tomorrow and it isn't a sure thing any way. The Good Lord (And He is good.) could call me home at any time. It's just easier to be sure of your thoughts during the night sometimes.
Now, I don't want to bore the reader with my rant about thinking at night any more, so I shall be silent on that. I would like to get into this post, for that is the reason anyone might read this. I've been thinking the past few nights about the nature of relationships. When you look at them, they are actually pretty well organized for something that can seem so random. (And if you know me, you understand random to some extent.)
Relationships. They can only go as far as both parties are equally willing to go. That's something I've said many times before, and any person that has had a rough patch in their relationship with me has heard me say it. This is why. You cannot force yourself on anyone, not truly. If you say, "That person forced this relationship on me," that is untrue. As a matter of fact, I say that you wanted this relationship to some extent.
However, I cannot continue talking about the impossibility of forcing a relationship if I do not clearly establish a definition for "relationship." So, here it goes. A relationship is an level of shared experience and time with someone. That is to say, a relationship is when time and emotion is invested to some degree. When you meet someone on the street and then never speak to that person again, that is not a relationship. Also, when you have that annoying co-worker (or classmate or what have you) that you speak to just enough to get back without any investment in that person, that is not a relationship. Now, when you put time and emotion into another person, even to a small degree, that is a relationship.
So, now we're talking about something we have a definition for, yet, we haven't gotten to the meat of the issue. Relationships as they stand between people. Well, let's look at an example. Many of my guy friends have noticed that certain people in their list of friends of the opposite gender are attractive, as have some of my friends of the fairer sex. Both groups most likely would like to pursue something deeper than the current relationship level experienced between them and the member of the opposite sex. The problem? Their "interests" just want to be friends, albeit close friends. So, naturally, my friends are not currently dating.
As we see, because one of the parties involved did not want to start dating, the friends have remained friends. Another example of this is a more personal one. I had a romantic interest in one of my close friends since about three months into the relationship. I ran Cross Country with her and visited her church on and again. Yet she saw me as more of a brother figure than a possible boyfriend. So, in the course of me trying to woo her, she rejected me. (More than once I might add.) Now, for reasons unknown to me (I have long since ended the attempts at "wooing" her.), I am no longer speaking to that friend. I have kept lines open, but she seems to feel that the relationship does not have any venture to continue. So, the friendship is apparently over and I cannot say we are friends for it does not seem that is her interest. She is not willing to go as far in the relationship as I am, so the relationship stops where it is most equally wanted. (Which it seems that unfortunately that point is "not at all.")
Now, for a more positive example. I met a girl when I first started high school, some six years ago. I had taken some notice of her, and her of me, but we had not approached each other yet. So, at the time, we had willingly reached a point of friendship together. Then, through a series of events, I had the pleasure of going on a date with this young woman. Our feelings for each other were discovered and we agreed to "date." In other words, we were both willing to go as far in our relationship to only date the other and undergo the activities of a dating couple. (I'm sorry for the "academic approach" here, but it's the only way I can make my point.) Now, due to reasons on her end, she ended up no longer willing to "date" me, and the relationship reverted back to "friendship." Today, the two of us have discussed the possibility of trying to date again. We agreed that we are not meant for each other and have enjoyed a level of close friendship since. That is where we are both willing to go.
If you are not completely sick of reading this by now, allow me to finish here. Relationships can only go as far as both parties are equally willing to go. That's how it works people. So you need to take responsibility for your relationships and realize something: you are where you are in the relationship because you let yourself get there. Maybe you should have said no somewhere, maybe it was a yes at a certain time. The fact remains, you are responsible for your relationships. Take responsibility.
Now, I don't want to bore the reader with my rant about thinking at night any more, so I shall be silent on that. I would like to get into this post, for that is the reason anyone might read this. I've been thinking the past few nights about the nature of relationships. When you look at them, they are actually pretty well organized for something that can seem so random. (And if you know me, you understand random to some extent.)
Relationships. They can only go as far as both parties are equally willing to go. That's something I've said many times before, and any person that has had a rough patch in their relationship with me has heard me say it. This is why. You cannot force yourself on anyone, not truly. If you say, "That person forced this relationship on me," that is untrue. As a matter of fact, I say that you wanted this relationship to some extent.
However, I cannot continue talking about the impossibility of forcing a relationship if I do not clearly establish a definition for "relationship." So, here it goes. A relationship is an level of shared experience and time with someone. That is to say, a relationship is when time and emotion is invested to some degree. When you meet someone on the street and then never speak to that person again, that is not a relationship. Also, when you have that annoying co-worker (or classmate or what have you) that you speak to just enough to get back without any investment in that person, that is not a relationship. Now, when you put time and emotion into another person, even to a small degree, that is a relationship.
So, now we're talking about something we have a definition for, yet, we haven't gotten to the meat of the issue. Relationships as they stand between people. Well, let's look at an example. Many of my guy friends have noticed that certain people in their list of friends of the opposite gender are attractive, as have some of my friends of the fairer sex. Both groups most likely would like to pursue something deeper than the current relationship level experienced between them and the member of the opposite sex. The problem? Their "interests" just want to be friends, albeit close friends. So, naturally, my friends are not currently dating.
As we see, because one of the parties involved did not want to start dating, the friends have remained friends. Another example of this is a more personal one. I had a romantic interest in one of my close friends since about three months into the relationship. I ran Cross Country with her and visited her church on and again. Yet she saw me as more of a brother figure than a possible boyfriend. So, in the course of me trying to woo her, she rejected me. (More than once I might add.) Now, for reasons unknown to me (I have long since ended the attempts at "wooing" her.), I am no longer speaking to that friend. I have kept lines open, but she seems to feel that the relationship does not have any venture to continue. So, the friendship is apparently over and I cannot say we are friends for it does not seem that is her interest. She is not willing to go as far in the relationship as I am, so the relationship stops where it is most equally wanted. (Which it seems that unfortunately that point is "not at all.")
Now, for a more positive example. I met a girl when I first started high school, some six years ago. I had taken some notice of her, and her of me, but we had not approached each other yet. So, at the time, we had willingly reached a point of friendship together. Then, through a series of events, I had the pleasure of going on a date with this young woman. Our feelings for each other were discovered and we agreed to "date." In other words, we were both willing to go as far in our relationship to only date the other and undergo the activities of a dating couple. (I'm sorry for the "academic approach" here, but it's the only way I can make my point.) Now, due to reasons on her end, she ended up no longer willing to "date" me, and the relationship reverted back to "friendship." Today, the two of us have discussed the possibility of trying to date again. We agreed that we are not meant for each other and have enjoyed a level of close friendship since. That is where we are both willing to go.
If you are not completely sick of reading this by now, allow me to finish here. Relationships can only go as far as both parties are equally willing to go. That's how it works people. So you need to take responsibility for your relationships and realize something: you are where you are in the relationship because you let yourself get there. Maybe you should have said no somewhere, maybe it was a yes at a certain time. The fact remains, you are responsible for your relationships. Take responsibility.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Like Hot Chocolate on a Cold Winter's Day, I'm Missing You...
I'm starting to realize that my past and my future are two things I'll never figure out. I remember that just over three years ago, I thought I would be going to school at a technical college, learning to be an IT professional. Then, a year later, I was so sure I was going to Evangel in Springfield to be a youth minister. Now, I'm going to the University of Central Missouri to become a high school English teacher. What happened? Where did all my plans go? Why did they keep changing? I remember that in my plans, I had also already met the love of my life and we were dating happily. Currently, I'm a single college student with no romantic interests and a part-time job that I literally live paycheck to paycheck. Not exactly what I had all planned out in my mind.
It's funny, but what changed all this time was me. I should have known that teaching was in my future. Just about every teacher I had since the third grade told me I should be a teacher. I was always the kid who, during in-class homework time, explained to the ones who just didn't understand how to do the assignment. I remember having dozens of teachers sit back and watch me patiently explain to one, two, three, up to six other students what it was they missed. I remember being told I should be a teacher, and I always had the same response, "I don't want to be a teacher, I'm not patient enough for it." However, I was blind to what was there. I was patient enough. I know that in many areas of my life, patience is something I could benefit from. Yet, set me off to teach and I'll spend all day if that's what it takes. I didn't realize this was true at first, then other time I started to see what all those teachers where talking about.
Now, it's more of one of those things where God is speaking to you and telling you what He wants for your life. I couldn't see the "forest through the trees," so to speak. He had placed in my life so many opportunities to teach, and a took on so many of them. Yet, I never saw what I was really doing. So, in His divine knowledge, He sets it up so I have one of those "the light finally came on moments." God has to do that to us sometimes. I know He did for me. Any way, He placed such an interest for writing in me that I knew, when it was said and done that I wanted to go to school for English. (At the time, I was already accepted at Evangel. However, thanks to the family God had placed into my life, I was able to see that there was no way I could honestly afford that school, nor was it practical for me to go to school there. Because of their love and care for me, I was able to apply to Central Missouri State University, now the University of Central Missouri.) So, I went for a tour of the UCM campus and met with one of the professors of the English department and told him my plan. I was going to write books. He said that was a good plan, but asked if I ever considered teaching. It was presented more as if I hadn't thought about how I would support myself while I was writing "America's next great novel," but the point hit me. I realized something. I could claim and claim that teaching isn't for me, but when you get down to it, I love teaching. I absolutely love teaching. I am not the most patient person, as I've already said. However, I am so patient with people when it comes to teaching them, and my teachers could see that. Now, because there were people who cared enough about me to help me and guide me, I am well on my way to a profession I love. Only God could make something like that happen. It all fell together too well to be mere chance.
It's funny, but what changed all this time was me. I should have known that teaching was in my future. Just about every teacher I had since the third grade told me I should be a teacher. I was always the kid who, during in-class homework time, explained to the ones who just didn't understand how to do the assignment. I remember having dozens of teachers sit back and watch me patiently explain to one, two, three, up to six other students what it was they missed. I remember being told I should be a teacher, and I always had the same response, "I don't want to be a teacher, I'm not patient enough for it." However, I was blind to what was there. I was patient enough. I know that in many areas of my life, patience is something I could benefit from. Yet, set me off to teach and I'll spend all day if that's what it takes. I didn't realize this was true at first, then other time I started to see what all those teachers where talking about.
Now, it's more of one of those things where God is speaking to you and telling you what He wants for your life. I couldn't see the "forest through the trees," so to speak. He had placed in my life so many opportunities to teach, and a took on so many of them. Yet, I never saw what I was really doing. So, in His divine knowledge, He sets it up so I have one of those "the light finally came on moments." God has to do that to us sometimes. I know He did for me. Any way, He placed such an interest for writing in me that I knew, when it was said and done that I wanted to go to school for English. (At the time, I was already accepted at Evangel. However, thanks to the family God had placed into my life, I was able to see that there was no way I could honestly afford that school, nor was it practical for me to go to school there. Because of their love and care for me, I was able to apply to Central Missouri State University, now the University of Central Missouri.) So, I went for a tour of the UCM campus and met with one of the professors of the English department and told him my plan. I was going to write books. He said that was a good plan, but asked if I ever considered teaching. It was presented more as if I hadn't thought about how I would support myself while I was writing "America's next great novel," but the point hit me. I realized something. I could claim and claim that teaching isn't for me, but when you get down to it, I love teaching. I absolutely love teaching. I am not the most patient person, as I've already said. However, I am so patient with people when it comes to teaching them, and my teachers could see that. Now, because there were people who cared enough about me to help me and guide me, I am well on my way to a profession I love. Only God could make something like that happen. It all fell together too well to be mere chance.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
That Funky After-Taste, Kinda Like Cherry Pie...
After studying literature for several hours, I realize something, my brain has become a resource of facts, deeply encoded in a code which even I need time to understand. Yet, it happens. I was talking a test in my World Masterpieces class today when I realized, I couldn't recall everything on the test! I panicked for a moment, then stopped to clear my mind. This didn't help me, and I still didn't know over half the test. So, I decided to finish what I knew, then come back to the unknowns. To my amazement, the facts returned and my test neared completion. However, after all this work, one question eluded me. This question separated me from the completion of the answers portion of the test. I had even finished the extra credit questions. So, I moved on to the essay. I choose a simple question on the essay, and explained it as best I could, yet still only turned out a single page for my essay. I hoped my smallish hand writing was to blame and that I had more on the page than I thought I did. So, with 5 minutes to finish the test, I racked my brain for the answer to the last question. Then it hit me. The answer became so clear, so simple. I couldn't believe I hadn't remembered it earlier. I promptly scribbled down my answer and turned it my test. Only two other people were left finishing their test. I left feeling a sensation of satisfaction and a job well done. Only time will tell if my little test misadventure was all for not. Considering that my whole grade is based on 3 or 4 tests in that class, I hope I did well...
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